Cucumbers and Questions
by IcelandGirl812
Summary: There's these chipmunks, something about kinks, a restroom, threats, forgetting ferrets and all of it wrapped in a birthday present for Chelle.


**A/N: This was a little thing that started out as a 100-word drabble gift, took on a life of its own and became a challenge to myself. And I felt compelled to post.**

**So, Happy Birthday, my lovely Throaty the Twang. :D I heart you muchos, sweetsull.  
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**(Oh, and Lenny is only a nickname. Tis explainable but don't fret either way.)**

**Disclaimer: I own a chipmunk change-purse. Not Twilight.**

* * *

><p>"What do you say we head over to that restroom and imitate those monkeys?"<p>

"We've never had sex like those monkeys, Lenny."

"We totally have!"

"Have not. It's more like... those chipmunks right there."

"Oh _hell_ no! You can't compare our sex life to _chipmunks_, babe. You just can't."

"Why not? It's fitting. Just look at 'em."

"For one, it's completely emasculating to refer to my love bong as _anything _chipmunk."

"But chipmunks are cute!"

"Oh wow. There's a definite wiener-shrinker. You _never_ call a dude's best buddy _cute_."

"And hearing you call your dick a _wiener_ is such a manly turn-on."

"There are children around!"

"Yeah, and those children are watching the monkeys, chipmunks, and that weird furry thing do the nifty nasty."

"It's called a ferret."

"And ferrets are weird and furry, are they not?"

"They also have names."

"Not the point. I described them perfectly well, just without the name."

"Because you couldn't remember the name."

"Ooh baby, you know insulting my intelligence is the _best_ way to get some in a public restroom."

"Insulting my cucumber isn't doing you any favors, either."

"Cucumber? _Seriously_? I'm discussing restroom relations with a toddler."

"I thought cucumber was a rather good euphemism."

"Is your dick green?"

"Funny. Really. So funny I forgot to laugh."

"Lenny, cucumbers have peeling, seeds, and are green and juicy."

"...The only one that actually doesn't apply there is the green thing."

"Oh gross!"

"You brought it up! I'm just saying."

"Well you didn't _have_ to say. You could've spared me."

"You can paint it green, if you'd like."

"Okay, _shut_ up."

"What? I'm only trying to—"

"I don't care what you were trying to do. That's just... weird."

"You're the one who likes a little weird."

"I like a lot of weird. But even that is off the charts of my weird-o-meter."

"Puh-leeeease."

"Don't you take that tone with me!"

"Then don't play that innocent no-kinks-here card."

"I wasn't playing any cards, asswipe."

"Kids! Jeez."

"It's not my fault you bring out my inner sailor."

"I know other ways to bring out that sailor."

"Can it. I'm not in the mood for your seductive tones."

"I could make you in the mood."

"Just shut up."

"You know I love it when you get all bitchy unaffected on me."

"Uh-huh."

"Turns me on like a record player."

"That was the lamest pick-up line ever."

"It loses something without the spinning, eh?"

"Definitely."

"I'll work on my pick-up lines, then."

"You do that."

"You wanna help me?"

"Stop giving me your panty-dropping eyebrow."

"But it always works!"

"No, I just let you think it always works."

"Alright, honestly. Stop the bitching, it's getting me way too hot."

"Didn't I tell you to shut up about that?"

"You didn't, I don't think."

"I think I did."

"I think you didn't."

"Did."

"I'm not gonna argue about this. I'll just ending up having a problem in my pants."

"Such a comedian. Absolutely hilarious. Really."

"If you'll take a walk with me, I'll show you exactly what I mean."

"You've got that low tone again."

"Yep."

"Why?"

"Walk with me. I'll tell you."

"Why do I get this feeling there's a little robot stalking me and warning of danger, danger?"

"Your sarcasm can be so elaborate sometimes."

"Part of my charm."

"Wanna see part of mine?"

"In all seriousness, quit messing around."

"Why don't you come mess around with me?"

"You're really not gonna stop, are you?"

"Funny, I seem to remember other instances where you _beg _me not to stop."

"Cease the nonsense."

"Who says it's nonsense?"

"You can't be serious."

"What if I am?"

"Then I'd have to slap you."

"Would you?"

"No more answering me with questions!"

"Why?"

"I am not amused."

"Did I say you were?"

"I was dead serious about slapping you."

"And did I not say your bitchiness _does_ it for me?"

"I don't believe you about that."

"Why not?"

"I'm gonna hit you."

"Are you?"

"Without a doubt."

"Would you mind waiting till we're behind closed doors for that?"

"I wouldn't if you'd _stop_ with the—"

"Didn't we talk about the children?"

"I wasn't gonna cuss."

"Weren't you?"

"Oh now you're just being... Fine. Closed doors."

"Really?"

"Yup. Lead the way."

"Is this just so you can hit me?"

"Nooo. Never."

"Sure?"

"I _really_ wanna hit you too much to do it nicely in public."

"So a public restroom it is?"

"At least it's not quite as public as walking right here."

"How positive are you about that?"

"Pretty dang positive."

"But what if the restroom has other occupants?"

"We'll pick a side and one of us can go in and scope it out."

"And the other keep anyone else from going in until it's cleared out?"

"Exactly."

"What if people get suspicious, though?"

"Then we'll be kicked out or put in jail, I suppose."

"Wouldn't that make you sad?"

"It's not like this is the New York Zoo or anything. It's small-time and kinda sucky."

"What about the jail time?"

"You look good in orange."

"Is that all you have to say?"

"No, you look good locked up, too."

"Didn't I say something about kinks earlier?"

"Shut up and keep watch while I go shoo peeing ladies out."

"Why aren't we using the men's room?"

"It smells worse."

"Will you hurry back?"

"If you stop using questions."

"Do you think this is at all sanitary?"

"Not in the least. Your idea, you gotta follow through."

"Says who?"

"Me. And ooh, hey. It looks empty."

"Really?"

"Yep. Talk about score."

"How about we talk of a different kind of _scoring_?"

"We're in here, it's vacated, the door's locked, you can stop speaking in questions."

"I can?"

"I'm not afraid to hit you, ya know."

"What if I want you to?"

"Then you're the one with the kinks."

"Is that so?"

"If you want me to really whack you good, keep it up."

"Did you ever think just maybe your threats egg me on even more?"

"It might have occurred to me."

"And you like it, don't you?"

"I might. Now shut up and make good on all your talk of public restroom sex."

"What about all your talk to hit me?"

"Tap me now, I'll hit you later."

"Is that a promise?"


End file.
